Michael's Rambling Manifesto

All The Bullshit One Might Face in a Relationship, Volume 1

2008-01-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

Before I include this post in my ever-growing manifesto, I think it is only fair to my current significant other that I clarify: this is not some Freudian attempt on my part to complain about my current relationship. In fact, there is little I have to say in a negative sense about my current relationship. I've been with my girlfriend, Aleesha, for over a year and a half now, and as of yet, I have not had fantasies consisting of rope, a giant cement block, a gagging cloth, and a pier, which is always a plus. Instead, this is merely a reflection on some of the issues I have had with relationships over the years, and the problems that often arise in these type of situations. Hopefully this will provide some education and guidance to those either pursuing or already involved with the opposite sex (or same sex, I'm open minded here). Here are some things I have noticed seem to be recurring themes.

1) I'm sure every guy and girl is familiar with the old adage that "women always date the wrong guys, and they don't break up with them even when it's blatantly obvious they should". First of all, though there is some reality to this statement, there's also a heavy dose of bullshit served with it. When a guy consistently says a girl is with the wrong guy, in many cases that is a very subtle way of saying "the guy she's dating isn't me". In these cases, the guy in question should stop whining like a fucking baby and pursue his next lost cause. But what about those situations where a woman is with a shitty guy, and CONTINUES to stay with him after repeated signs it is a waste of time? Well, I think the answer to this is very simple: self-esteem. I believe many girls (and honestly quite a few guys) continually have this creeping fear that they are destined to end life alone without any companion. Because of that, often times when these people enter into a relationship, they will fight to hold onto it even after its blatantly obvious the relationship has about as much chance as Christopher Reeve would have had in a breakdancing contest. It's the old "this is my last shot, so if I end it, my opportunity for love will be lost forever". So many women will continue to stay in a relationship, and even if a better option is present and ready and willing (of which there usually is), that girl will turn a blind eye unintentionally. Case in point: women, and many men, need to have more confidence in the fact that they are a good catch, and that they do have much to offer a future mate. If this quality would manifest itself in every man and woman, the follies of relationship would surely dwindle by a substantial margin.

2)

DVD Review: Shoot 'Em Up

2008-01-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

So many of the high-octane action films released today are filled with cheesy dialogue, over-the-top acting, and truly unbelievable action sequences, which is why so many of them are a challenge to sit through. But what if the objective of the film was to not only carry all of these qualities, but to glorify them for the sheer excitement of seeing something exhiliarating, exciting, and dare I say, "cool" illuminate the screen?

That idea has been embodied in director Michael Davis' deliriously exciting Shoot 'Em Up, and in all honesty I can't think of too many films that have as much of a shameless sense of fun. The plot is honestly secondary in this type of film, but it still drives the picture: a mysterious loner nanny named only Smith(Clive Owen, completely playing up the campiness of the action hero archtype) must protect a baby from a criminal organization after the mother is killed. Leading the villanous body is Paul Giamatti as a crime boss who is in turns aggravated by the actions of Smith and his wife, who repeatedly calls him at inopportune times during his most sinister deeds. Monica Belucci also stars as a prostitute with a heart of gold and overly-lactating mammaries. With that kind of all-star cast, you would think that the creator of this film would try his best to put forth a dramatic and Oscar-worthy film, but alas that is not the case with Shoot 'Em Up.

Except in this case, that absence of class and sophistication becomes the film's greatest quality. This is a movie that wallows in the most shameless qualities of action films, while at the same time letting the audience know it is all in good fun with just the right amount of subtlety. Gun fights are beautifully choreographed and yet completely inplausible. Bad one-liners that usually cause the audience to roll their eyes are gloriously goofy in this film. And even something as scuzzy as a graphic sex scene is done in such a preposterously macho way you can't help but laugh at the audacity of everyone involved. This is a film for people who love action films, and deep down wish they would have some reason to justify some of the worst cliches in action as acceptable. Shoot 'Em Up grants the viewer with the permission to view it in this way.

For those looking for an intelligent, realistic, gritty action film, The Bourne Ultimatum would be worth viewing. However, if you want a movie that truly embodies all of the greatest guilty pleasure aspects of action films while still delivering it with a sense of wit and self-deprecation, you can't go wrong with Shoot 'Em Up.

The 7 Worst Films of 2007

2008-01-03T11:03:00.001-08:00

For film enthusiasts, 2007 was a very exciting year. Whether you interests gravitate towards fascinating art films or larger-than-life popcorn movie affairs, there was a smorgasboard of entertaining films to experience. However, the year also produced it's share of awful films as well. For that very reason, I have decided to list the 7 films that I unwittingly suffered through the past year. Hopefully my personal sacrifice may encourage others to avoid the pain of experiencing these films for themselves.

The 7 Worst Films of 2007

7) Blades of Glory- I intentionally placed this film at the bottom of the list because there were some moments in the film that were mildly amusing, and most of them belonged to Will Ferrell. However, this film's substandard quality can be attributed to one man: Jon Heder. Now, this may seem like a controversial comment to make concerning the beloved "Napoleon Dynamite". Do not fret, Dynamite devotees, for I enjoyed that film as much as everyone else. However, I have not enjoyed anything else Jon Heder has been involved in. I thought he wasn't very good in Just Like Heaven (honestly, there wasn't much I considered good in that film), and I felt his character in The Benchwarmers was a pale Diet Coke version of Napoleon Dynamite. In this film, his chemistry with Will Ferrell is nothing short of appalling. Here's hoping he soon learns to play more than one role in every film he's involved with.

6) Ghost Rider/Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- With the recent critical and commercial success of the comic book movie genre (with the Spider-man series and Batman Begin reigning supreme), almost immediately every comic book license has been greenlight for a motion picture. While many of them are good films, or at the very least, decent, there are still plenty that have been truly terrible. But none can truly challenge the complete failure of these two films. The first, a Faustian tale about an undead hero biker born out of the flames of hell, finally provided avid comic fan Nicholas Cage to enter in the genre; it probably would have been better for everyone involved if he had declined. After the 23rd bad "fire" pun or wooden performance (with Eva Mendes being the main source of contention), I almost longed for Son of the Mask. A few months later, the second Fantastic Four movie further exposed me further to the horrors of bad comic book adaptation. I didn't even think they could do much worse than the first Fantastic Four, but apparently I hadn't counted on a Silver Surfer character who had a television in his stomach like a cosmic Teletubby, an even more metrosexual Dr. Doom, and a final major enemy Galactus that turned out to be.......a giant cloud.

5) Norbit- Attention to all filmmakers: a black male comedian wearing a fat suit and playing a woman IS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. It was barely funny in The Nutty Professor. It wasn't funny in Nutty Professor 2. Or Big Momma's House. Or Big Momma's House 2. Or Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Or Medea's family Reunion. Or the next 5 movies that I am sure will use the same plot device. We all know the drill: at some point they are gonna sit on a chair that will break, they will randomly break other items because of their girth, they will smother any lover or potential mate during an intimate moment, and they will eat, and eat, and eat throughout the entire movie. Please let this crappy Eddie Murphy vehicle be the death nail in this irritating trend.

4) Epic Movie- This film is a parody film from the people who brought you Date Movie. And it was much, much worse than Date Movie, and that is saying a LOT. Look for the follow-up, Meet the Spartans, to be on this list next year.

3) Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End- With the exception of The Bourne Ultimatum, most of the "threequels" released this past year were disappointing to most people (though admittedly I enjoyed the Shrek and Spider-man entries). But the one that stood head and shoulder's as the largest failure was the closing chapter of the Pirates trilogy. With a plot so convoluted few could understand it fully (and the ones that did really didn't care anyway), the story alone should have been enough to sink this ship. However, in addition to the plot issues, the audience was subjected to a secret pirate weapon that was nothing more than a 50-foot black woman, a mindless ending that cheapened the two previous films, Keira Knightley seemingly channeling Kill Bill fight tactics all of a sudden, and the always brilliant Johnny Depp seeming to phone it in for this film. And most of all, after so many double-crosses and backstabs the audience is left with no character to truly care about.

02) Hannibal Rising- An interesting premise (How did Hannibal Lecter become the monster he is now) made for a truly boring film. This vapid prequel was so bad it may have actually lowered the quality of the original films by a small margin. The one quality that made Hannibal Lecter so terrifying was his ability to seem charming and likeable will still remaining positively chilling. In this film there is nothing chilling about him, and he manages to have absolutely no charisma whatsoever. Sadly, it seems this year Hannibal Lecter finally passed on, only to be reincarnated properly in the Javier Bardem's Anton Chigurt in No Country for Old Men.

01) Happily Never After- There is no simpler way to state this: Happily Never After is the worst film that I have ever seen. I decided to take a chance on the film because the producers of Shrek were involved and the concept sounded interesting (all of the fairy tales don't have a bad ending rather than the conventional happy one). But the film failed miserably by trying to seem trendy and hip but also maintain a kid-friendly sweetness. This film could have been great if it was done as an animated dark comedy, but instead it was done as a truly dumbfounding film that not only was a disgrace for every actor involved (George Carlin, a man I have always admired, is a part of the debacle), but it has also visually scarred the audience for all eternity.

My 15 Best Films of the Year

2008-01-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

Most years, when I am reflecting upon the countless cinematic experiences I have taken part in during the year, it is often difficult to find a group of films that can necessitate a top 10 list that I truly "loved". A few I adore, and then the rest, were movies I simply liked. 2007, however, was a different story. This was a great year for film, and so many of the films I saw this year were genuinely great. Though there are still a number of films I haven't seen yet that I yearn to see (There Will Be Blood, Juno, Michael Clayton, and Before the Devil Knows You're Dead top that list), I still found myself loving many more that I did have the pleasure of viewing. The following films listed are my top 15 of 2007 in order of appeal:

Top 15 Films of 2007

15) Rescue Dawn- Director Warner Herzog has made a name for himself for many years with his excellent documentary films, his most recent effort having been the fascinating Grizzly Man. With this film, Herzog decided to try his hand at feature filmmaking, adapting his own Vietnam POW documentary Little Dieter Needs to Fly. This tale of a POW camp escape orchestrated by German-American pilot Dieter Dengler (portrayed by the always thrilling Christian Bale) brought a fresh take to this familiar genre, and also kept a strong current of suspense throughout the film. Also, look for an exceptionally strong serious performance by perennial comic actor Steve Zahn as a fellow prisoner.

14) The Mist- Frank Darabont has built a very respectable career out of film adaptations of horror writer Stephen King's dramatic works, such as The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. With this film, Darabont attempted one of King's horror tales, this one pulled from the short story anthology Skeleton Crew. The result was a thrilling yet original take on the "monster in the shadows" genre (with a thick cloud of mist replacing the said shadows in this instance). The film's monsters are thrilling, but the real nightmare of this film, is the chilling performance by Marcia Gay Harden as a manipulative religious fanatic. The horror film-as-social commentary is still alive and well, and this comment on the maddening effects of mass hysteria shined brightly this year.

13) Away from Her- After viewing The Notebook, I was under the impression that the horrors of Alzheimer's had pretty much been thoroughly covered through the medium of film. I was pleasantly surprised to see I was mistaken, and even more surprised that the masterful acting of the legendary Julie Christie showed me otherwise. As an elderly woman succumbing to the crippling disease and not recognizing her once adulterous but now firmly devoted husband, Christie gives what I considered the best female performance this year. First-time director Sarah Polley (better known as the resourceful blonde in the Dawn of the Dead remake) set the bar remarkably high in her first effort.

12) Knocked Up- If Judd Apatow ruled as the King of Comedy this year, Seth Rogen also was found strong success as his Clown Prince. This story of a one-night stand-turned-transition into parenthood could have been another dull adult comedy with a weak script and bad dick jokes. Instead, it shined as a witty, intelligent coming-of-age tale (complete with GREAT dick jokes). It seems that the days of mind-numbing comedies with little substance are in their dying days, making way for funnier movies with much more heart.

11) Across the Universe- Often times, the accessibility levels of a musical tend to be injured by the music itself, and the unfamiliarity with it. With Across the Universe, this is not an issue; the entire soundtrack is revised versions of classic Beatles songs. And this fact adds an element that most musicals cannot claim; an adoration for the music before one even steps in the theater. Julie Taymor succeeds in making a striking visual poem to the sounds of history's most iconic rock band.

10) Zodiac- Though this film is dedicated to the actions of a notorious unsolved serial murder case, this film is more of a drama than a horror film. Rather than focus on the exploits of the murderer (though they are presented in a graphic and starkly realistic way), the film instead focuses on how the search for the identity of the Zodiac killer consumed the lives of all that were involved. Jake Gyllenhall does well as a newspaper cartoonist who neglects everything else in his life in pursuit of the truth, and Robert Downey Jr. steals the film as the sarcastic alcoholic journalist Paul Avery.

09) 300- Some may claim that this film is nothing more than an over-the-top, overblown action film depicting the last stand of the Spartans against the Persians at Thermopylae. And the observation would be correct. But as ridiculously grandiose as it may seem, it is a film that wildly entertains from start to conclusion.

08) Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street- I always look forward to Tim Burton's latest foray into the bizarre gothic world that is his body of work, but Burton went in a different direction with this film, while still staying true to his unique and beloved style. In his adaptation of Steven Sondheim's popular horror-musical, Burton created a bloody great film that revealed to the world that yes, Johnny Depp can sing. It also revealed to the world that Sacha Baron Cohen is not only adept at terrorizing unwitting bystanders with acts of comic genius, but is one hell of a great singer.

07) The Bourne Ultimatum- With the creation of the Bourne trilogy, fans of spy films have the official thinking man's Bond. Carrying an everyman quality while still seeming convincing as an unstoppable badass, Matt Damon's Jason Bourne has proudly seized the title of Action Hero of the New Millenium. This third film did not succumb to the dreaded sequel curse, and in actuality may have surpassed the two previous efforts. I still cannot watch the insane car chase sequence without feeling a rush of adrenaline.

06) Grindhouse- This pair of short films placed together with fictional exploitation trailers did not fare well at the box office, which is a shame. After all, how can you not enjoy the absurdity of a four-perspective car crash, a peg leg sex scene, and enough camp glory to keep you laughing and cheering for days? In both embodying and satirizing the most prominent qualities of trash cinema, Tarantino and Rodriguez created something fresh and original that succeeded in being a true cinema experience. For those who were not able to view it in theaters, the way it was meant to be watched, watching it on DVD just isn't the same as viewing this sexy, sleazy masterpiece on a giant screen.

05) Shoot 'Em Up- There is nothing more nauseating than watching an action film that insults the audience by attempting to pass off completely inplausible gunfights and fight sequences as "realistic". That is the beauty of Shoot 'Em Up: it does not even attempt to portray realistic action and is filmed in a way that states to the audience "don't take this too seriously". Clive Owen is great as the stereotypical badass British nanny (if there is such a thing), and Paul Giamatti is very funny as Owen's arch-enemy who has to balance his own evil plots with the nagging needs of his wife.

04) Superbad- Though this film proved to be a great year for comedy movies, no film made me laugh nearly as hard as this rauncy but somewhat sweet teen comedy. The film managed to have the charm of the 80's John Hughes film, with characters that both teens and adults alike could identify with and view as very real characters. However, it also managed to be uproariously funny, especially the antics of geek god McLovin (played to perfection by newcomer Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and two slacker cops (Seth Rogen, who co-wrote the film, and SNL's Bill Hader).

03) I'm Not There- Chronicling the illustrious life of rock legend Bob Dylan is no easy task as he has represented so many things over a very rich career. How to solve this dilemma? Simple: have 5 talented actors and one exceptional actress portray the classic rock Bard in Todd Hayne's amazing art film-as-biopic. Everyone here puts in a strong performance, but the standouts are Christian Bale as the protest singer and Christian artist Dylan, and Cate Blanchett in a performance as an outcast Dylan that is so dead-on it borders on disturbing.

02) Lars and the Real Girl- When one of the sweetest, most wholesome films of the year is the story of a man who falls in love with a sex doll, you know you have witnessed an odd year in film. Ryan Gosling matches his tour-de-force performance in last years Half-Nelson with this touching story of searching for something to love, and how that love may be real and pure, even if the thing you love is not. A truly heartwarming film and further proof that Gosling is one of the most talented young actors of the new independent generation.

01) No Country for Old Men- Is it a modern nightmare, a morbid morality tale, or just a simple thriller? It may have been all three, but nevertheless it made for a masterpiece of a film. The Coen Brothers, having seemed to lost their madness and their greatness after Intolerable Cruelty and The Ladykillers, The Coen Brothers returned with a vengeance with this tale of greed and the ever-darker reality of the changing world. Tommy Lee Jones put in one of the best performances of his acting career as a sheriff disturbed by the horrors he is watching unfold before him, and Josh Brolin finally found a role that will elevate him to the A-list. Yet no one in the film can compete with the chilling tour-de-force role of Anton Chigurt, played without remorse by Javier Bardem. The Hannibal Lector of the 2000's was created in Chigurt, and his relentless quest to take what was his and destroy all in his path made for the most entertaining film of the year.

DVD Review - Jim Norton: Monster Rain

2007-12-30T20:22:00.001-08:00

Since making a name for himself on the syndicated radio show Opie and Anthony (which in 2002 began airing uncensored on XM Satellite Radio as well), controversial comic Jim Norton has made quite a name for himself on the New York comedy scene. His unique brand of brilliant, socially reprehensible comedy has shocked and delighted his most loyal fans, and horrified many of his most steadfast critics. With the DVD release of his first one hour HBO special, Monster Rain, it is doubtful those who have never appreciated his brutal comedy will be converted to his material. However, those who appreciate his style of humor will be pleased with this latest addition to his ever-growing body of work.

Filmed in the Lincoln Center in Washington DC, this recent special touches on a number of subjects which Norton has consistently discussed; his disturbing childhood sexual experiences (the title of the special was derived from one such experience), his self-deprecating perception of his less-than-stellar physique, and his unorthodox tastes in the sex organs of the opposite sex. However, if one were to identify these topics as his only areas of interest or discussion, they would be doing a disservice to this skilled comic. Norton begins with the revelation that his lifelong addiction to prostitutes has come to an end and he is currently in a functioning relationship with a woman. This fact seems to come through his material, as the usually miserable Norton seems to have a glint in his eye, which makes his already offensive style glow with an even more energetic edge than his previous efforts.

He proceeds during the course of the special to assault everything from the Ann Coulter/John Edwards feud, to the Don Imus scandal, to Heather Mills, and most of all, to male insecurity. And yet even while he is discussing topics that seem to have been exhausted by this point in the mainstream media, Norton consistently finds a new angle with each of these issues that is both immensely vulgar and undeniably intelligent. While he does not possess the physical comedic skills or characterizations of legendary comedians like Sam Kinison or Richard Pryor, Norton still succeeds by making his material personal and severely honest, and it seems that the topics that most of us would be most fearful to discuss, he explores with the most enthusiasm.

If you are open to the idea of hearing stand-up comedy with a much harder edge than your average fare, you should certainly give Norton's Monster Rain a viewing. Norton proves to even his most fervent critics that even if his material disgusts and outrages many, there are many more that look under that look beyond the filthy (yet humorous) material on the surface and see a wealth of thought-provoking social commentary.

A Shitty Story

2007-12-30T11:25:00.001-08:00

There are some stories that can be told that really exemplify a moment of greatness in that person's life. It reveals a defining moment for that person, where they looked into the face of adversity, takes the challenge that has fallen upon them, and bravely overcomes that challenge. And in the end, it helps that person discover something about themselves that they never even knew existed, and they feel as if life makes more sense and walk around with a greater sense of enlightenment....

This is not one of those stories.

I shit all over myself approximately a week ago. And I don't mean figuratively; I mean I defecated on my person in a way that would horrify even the most open-minded individuals. And since I am of the opinion that this blog should be a forum for honesty and openness, I shall share with you the events of that moment here.

I have an apartment in North Charleston, SC with my girlfriend Aleesha, and I felt it would be nice to have some friends visit, and maybe watch a film with us (I believe Superbad was the suggested viewing). Prior to their visit, Aleesha and I had dined at Chuckie Cheese for the night. Now I know you are probably asking why a pair of 24 year old adults are venturing out to Chuckie Cheese, and the honest truth is we enjoy it as a restaurant. We actually don't mind the pizza, and enjoy the video games, and most of all, we like discussing how much we believe most of the children there are spoiled little dumbasses that would benefit later in life if they were punched in the balls at the tender age of 7 (and by a 24 year old man no less). So next time your child is pitching an obnoxious fit, remember what I said and know countless others are thinking the same way.

Anyway, when we arrived home, I felt as if the Chuckie Cheese had decided it would battle my stomach for the night as I felt slightly queasy. However, I neglected to view that as any real problem, and invited two of my closest friends, Brad and Laura, and their newborn Ashlynn. During our lovely little visit, I remembered I had laundry at the apartment laundromat that needed to be removed, and I walked over to the establishment to remove the clothing and return it. However, halfway through the retrieval of my clothes, I felt a very odd feeling. Alright, you know how when you REALLY have to shit, a voice arrives in your head that politely says "Excuse me, but you have five minutes to get to a bathroom, or your going to have a problem". Well, I didn't get that voice; instead I got one that was screaming "YOUR FUCKING FIVE MINUTES WENT BY 6 MINUTES AGO!!!! HURRY UP AND SHIT NOW!" I ran outside the laundromat, frantically searching for somewhere to unload my ticking ass bomb. Tragically, I did not see a restroom anywhere close by, and I proceeded to pull my pants down and squat in the grass in front of the laundromat; fortunately logic took hold and suggested to me that would be a mistake, since it was right in front of the apartment complex. Then I remembered there was a bathroom next to the gym close by. I rushed over and ran down the hallway with both the male and female bathrooms, but due to the madness of the situation, I ran into the women's restroom; as soon as I stepped foot in the bathroom, a torrential flood of feces poured violently down by leg and everywhere else. No inch of my body from the waist down went uncovered in the heinous brown liquid; by the time I finally got to the toilet I quickly pulled my pants down, and turned the ceramic side of the toilet into the frame of a shit-Jackson Pollock painting. As I finished doing my business, I surveyed the crime scene; shit everywhere, in a women's bathroom no less. Realizing this could lead to a potentially embarrassing situation, I began to clean myself and the mess around me. However, in my onsetting paranoia I thought I heard a voice nearby, and not wanting to be caught in the women's bathroom with shit everywhere, I fled as quickly as possible. I then got my laundry, returned home, and snuck into my shower before my guests had a chance as to inquire why I had been gone so long. I then proceeded to wash my legs, which were so drenched in shit I could have passed for an African aborigine if being viewed below my stomach. After diligent washing, I had cleansed myself of the entire ordeal.

The next morning as I was heading to work, I saw a woman outside of the bathroom area with a mop and a really pissed-off look, and I admit I felt a tinge of guilt that I had seriously fucked her day up. Then again, I was more content with the fact that she was unaware of the vandals identity, and hopefully, she doesn't read this blog in the near future.

My Confusion over Prostitution

2007-12-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

Upon viewing the acclaimed Charlize Theron film "Monster", like most I was mesmerized by her incredible transformation into prostitute-turned-convicted serial murderer Aileen Wuornos. To see a woman famously known for a beautiful figure and stunning face become an immensely unattractive, homely looking woman showed a real dedication to her craft and it proved she is skilled at it.
However, there was one element of the film that struck me as bizarre: the fact that Aileen Wuornos was a working prostitute who clearly was able to make money from the profession, and yet she wasn't very attractive. Now, I have never claimed to understand the psychology of purchasing a hooker, as I have never engaged in the service myself, and never intend to. But I have always been confused as to why anyone would purchase an unattractive hooker. If you are actually so desperate for physical involvement that you are personally at peace with paying for sex, why not at least put your money into buying a knockout? Sure, one could claim this seems shallow, but honestly if you are paying someone to have sex with you anyway, aren't you already waddling in the shallow end of the pool to begin with? To me this would be akin to living your life as a car thief, but rather than stealing sports cars and luxurious SUV's you only abscond with Ford Escorts. Why not put a little more effort into it, at least to have SOME measure of personal pride, no matter how superficial it might be.

My First Foray Into Stand-Up

2007-12-28T22:06:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can recall, I have had a real passion for stand-up. I've always felt like stand-up comedians had a true place of importance in the overall scheme of things. Out of all the collective professions of the world, comics seemed like the one group of individuals that due to the nature of the job had more freedom to speak openly and honestly, no matter how dark or abrasive that truth might be. Stand-up is a profession where boundaries are few and far between, and the boundaries that are in place are just itching to be broken. Most of all, at its best stand-up can create a progressive change in ideas, and promote positive thought on how to better improve the world and improve society. The moment that I saw "Bill Hicks-Relentless" and "Sam Kinison-Breaking the Rules", I realized I was watching a performance that I wanted to have as my own. Here were people speaking without shame or caution about the world around them and why it seemed fucked in their eyes. Here was a world that rejected them, and yet they fought back to tell it they didn't give a shit whether they were accepted or not. And most of all, here was that very same world that I wanted to be a part of.
I finally took the stage at an open mic two Mondays ago. It was at a small bar named Wings, and there was maybe 30 people present, and most of them were inebriated adults who undoubtedly didn't care to hear my shit to begin with. And the stage I was on wasn't really a stage at all, but just a corner in a small bar with a microphone hanging haphazardly and in a fixed position. But I did not want to put off beginning my path to stand-up anymore. Even if I sucked an 8-pound cock, I would suck it with the pride of knowing I didn't bitch out once again. I went up and requested to perform, and began. Much to my surprise, it did not prove to be my Waterloo. While it certainly wasn't great, it wasn't utterly humiliating either, for I not only elicited a few laughs, but was only greated with one or two boos, and those erupted from the same people who were booing everyone that was performing that night. And while I certainly didn't "kick ass", I didn't completely suck ass either, and I had the confidence to get up there in the first place. And I loved it.
I may never turn out to be an excellent comic. But more important to me is that I can go out there and say some shit that brings forth some geniune laughter in a few people, and maybe even sneak some ideas and concepts in while they are unsuspecting. And now I know I got the balls to get up there in the first place.

Benizar Bhutto, R.I.P. 2007

2007-12-28T21:09:00.000-08:00

Like so many others, I was horrified to hear that former Pakistani Minister Benazir Bhutto, a true patriot of Pakistan whom was running for re-election in January, was assassinated as the result of a suicide bomber attack. Upon hearing the news, I was both deeply saddened and severely enraged by the inherent fucking stupidity at such an act. As time goes by, another public figure seems to be assassinated every year or two. With each of these assassinations, there seems to be only one consistent factor: the person assassinated was almost always a figure who fought for freedom of the masses and brought to bring individuality and peace to the world.

I know so many before me have made this observation, and there is nothing unique or groundbreaking about it. But why does it continue to perpetuate itself as such an accurate notion? Whether it be Joseph Stalin, or Adolf Hitler, or Osama Bin Laden, or Idi Amin, or Noriega, the world is constantly host to so many figures who preach messages of hatred, enslavement, and destruction of all that is decent, and those individuals are never eliminated. Therefore, we are forever enabled to hear them preach their message of shit, while true evangelistic voices like Bhutto, Martin Luther King, Mahatma Ghandi, and so many others are silenced before they are ever able to reach the level of greatness that they should have achieved.

It should always be considered a tragedy when a decent individual's life is cut short by ignorance and hatred. But it is a MONUMENTAL tragedy when that person provided a valiant voice of hope to a bleak society. Benazir Bhutto was not murdered for any other reason, other than the fact that she wanted democracy and freedom for her people. It takes a real fucking asshole to view that as something that needed to be destroyed. And hopefully one day, the assholes will be cleansed of this world, so the loving and compassionate may continue to preach their righteous message.

Still Mad as Hell, but Not Acting On It: The Prophetic Message of Paddy Chayevsky's "Network"

2007-12-28T19:34:00.000-08:00

1976 proved to be a highly controversial year for the medium of film, and a number of movies were to blame for this growing trend. All the President's Men portrayed the actions of a pair of reporters uncovering the truth about the infamous Watergate scandal. Taxi Driver unleashed upon its audience the violent thoughts of a sociopath plagued by alienation and loneliness. And in screenwriter's brilliant satire of television news, Network, the audience was introduced to a defiant voice that looked upon what had become of network news and exclaimed "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore".

"Network" tells the story of a frustrated reporter, Howard Beale (Peter Finch in his last and likely greatest film performance), who has been fired because he no longer is able to garner the ratings the network, UBS, expects of him. Enraged over the current state of the news and the world in general, Beale first threatens on-the-air suicide, then recants and instead goes on an impassioned rant about his objections to the current state of things. Emotionally bankrupt producer Diana Christensen sees the frenzy created by Beale's on-air tirades as a method in which to bring stronger ratings to the struggling network. Beale is then given his own weekly program in which he dispels his lunatic ramblings, and the ratings skyrocket as a result. Seeing this an an opportunity for even greater success, Diana begins to develop even more outlandish concepts for programs, including a homosexual soap opera, a program for political terrorists, and a "Suicide of the Week" program. William Holden is excellent as Max Schumacher, the network executive engaged in an affair with Diana. Though Schumacher is certainly flawed and also driven by the pursuit of for more ratings, he is the moral center of the film, for he is the only one who begins to doubt the humanity and decency in his actions.

When the movie was released, it sparked conversation among the media and the public alike; even "America's Most Trusted Man" Walter Cronkite weighed in on the absurd view of the news that was portrayed in the film. It was almost blasphemy to believe that the news would be more concerned with the entertainment value of what they were reporting, rather than presenting the truth to the masses. And by god, it would never happen, for we were "mad as hell", and were unwilling to ever "take it".
Yet if one views the current state of the news, and of television, and general, not only has the scathing satire of Network seem much closer to reality, but few seem to be "mad as hell" about it. In fact, it seems like America has not only embraced the lack of truth in the news, but has even come to view it as acceptable. As Howard Beale so succinctly put it in the film, "We'll tell you anything you want to hear, we lie like hell".

There are some that would question this line of thinking, but it seems almost comical to doubt that the fictional nightmare portrayed in the film has in many ways come to fruition. Take for example, this exchange between Diana and black political terrorist Laureen Hobbs.

Diana Christensen: Hi. I'm Diana Christensen, a racist lackey of the imperialist ruling circles.
Laureen Hobbs: I'm Laureen Hobbs, a badass commie nigger.
Diana Christensen: Sounds like the basis of a firm friendship.

While this exchange may seem to border on the extreme, is this any different than the intentionally confrontational pairings orchestrated by many reality shows of today, such as The Real World and Big Brother? An organization of unlikeable and detestable individuals, joining together in the shallow interest of financial gain. It doesn't end there: the multitude of ridiculous reality programs Diane theorized in the film in many cases seem to have become a reality. Her plan to create a gay soap entitled "The Dykes" may have seemed ludicrous in 1976, but if one turns the channel to VH1 and tunes into "A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila", this doesn't seem to unrealistic. Even the airing of a program dedicated to political terrorists seems highly feasible, when you recall the fact that the chilling homemade videos of Virginia Tech murderer Cho Seung Hui were aired ad infinitum for days, not even 24 hours after the horrifying tragedy. The majority of the news and television in general lacks the one thing that ever elevated it to a level of true importance: integrity. The humorous nightmare that was once depicted as a disturbing "What If" in "Network" is no longer as hilarious as it once was. Not because the film is dated or less relevant than it was upon its release, but because it may now be more relevant than it was ever intended to be.

During the course of the film, Howard Beale states this to the audience of his weekly program: "Television is not the truth. Television is a goddamned amusement park.". Sadly, it seems through the character of Howard Beale, screenwriter Paddy Chayevsky made a very astute and prophetic perception concerning the future of television. If television is indeed nothing more than an amusement park, than we the masses are surely going along for the ride. And sadly, it seems no one is "mad as hell" anymore.

In the Beginning....

2007-12-28T19:24:00.000-08:00

This post marks the humble origins of my exploration of the "blog" medium. If you are looking for a place online to read thoughtful, thought-provoking meditations on a myriad of topics in life, I'm saddened to inform you that you might be fucked in this instance. This site is for my own personal amusement (and maybe one possible poor shmuck who happened upon it and found it intriguing, if luck is erring in my favor), and therefore I'll tend to talk about issues that are of some importance to me. Who knows, the shit that fascinates and intrigues me may seem to you about as exciting as getting teabagged by an irate 800-pound gorilla (then again, I suppose that would always classify as "exciting"; perhaps a better way of stating this would be to say it would be "as FUN as getting teabagged by an irate 800 pound gorilla. But I digress....). With that said, I shall return soon with other "words of wisdom" or something desperately attempting to pose as such.